Q: Who are you?
Q: I mean, I got that, but why should I care?
A: I dunno … I mean, you probably shouldn’t. Caring is the first step to getting your heart broken.
Q: Ooookkaaayy … But, what is this?
A: It’s a website.
Q: You’re really bad at F.A.Q.s.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: You’re … really bad at F.A.Q.s?
A: That’s better.
Q: This website of yours … It’s like, a blog … or … what?
A: I guess? I mean, it’s mostly a place for me to share stuff I make, including comics and short stories. But, I expect most of it is going to be prose pieces about my life and various other things I feel like writing about interspersed with crudely drawn illustrations.
Q: So, it’s basically a ripoff of Hyperbole and a Half?
Q: You draw shitty.
A: Thank you.
Q: No, I said, “You draw shitty.”
A: Well, I don’t like to brag, or anything …
Q: What’s this Patreon thing?
A: It’s a website where people can give you money.
Q: Why are you on it?
A: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Q: Why should I give you money?
A: You probably shouldn’t. I’ll most likely blow it all on Mountain Dew and collectible Rubik’s Cubes.
Q: I’m not sure you understand how the whole self-promotion thing works.
A: But, if you are thinking about giving me money, I’ve got some pretty interesting tiers.
|Tier One: |
$1 per month
I will put a curse on you.
$3 per month
You will get to see my website stuff before it goes on the website, and I will put a curse on you.
$5 per month
I will show you some early art from works in progress and alternate versions of things that don’t end up in the final piece, you can see website stuff early, and I will put a curse on you.
$10 per month
I will, I dunno, show you pictures of my cats or something, I will show you early artwork and alternate versions, you can see website stuff early, and I will put a curse on you.
$500 per month
If you can afford this tier, then you are obviously a wealthy plutocrat, and as such, you are implicitly culpable in the subjugation of the working class and the increasing economic inequality that plagues the world today. If you pledge at this level, you will get nothing, which is exactly what you deserve. You should feel ashamed of yourself.
$15,000 per month
OK … If you pledge at this level for 12 months, I will draw you a picture of my penis, I will show you cat pictures, early artwork and alternate versions, you can see website stuff early, and I will put a curse on you.
Q: That’s a lot of money to see a penis.
A: Yes, it is.
Q: Is it a nice penis?
Q: Will it be a good picture?
A: Also, no.
Q: And, if I sign up at that nothing tier, I really get, literally nothing.
A: You get a literal nothing, yes.
A: Nothing but shame.
Q: What’s this about curses?
A: I will put a curse on you.
Q: Why would I pay you to curse me.
A: They’re very good curses.
Q: Can I get you to curse someone else?
A: No. If they want a curse, they can pay for it like everyone else.
Q: Like, how do these curses even work?
A: I will turn off the lights, I will concentrate on summoning the forces of darkness, I will light the scented candle sitting on top of my microwave, and I will say, “I hereby curse [YOUR NAME] or the entity who claimed that identity to send me Patreon money.”
Q: What actually happens to me if I get cursed?
A: I dunno. Probably nothing? I mean, I’m not, like, a cursologist or anything.
Q: Can I ask you one last question?
A: You just did.
Q: But …