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Zoey Nell: The Worst. Just the Absolute Worst.

Zoey Nell

The Sanctity of Life

2019-05-31
On: May 31, 2019
In: Serious

Content Warnings: Death

I heard that life is sacred, but I don’t know what that word means.


A woman outside a clinic told me that a tiny mass of cells was a person. I was skeptical, but she said that the bundle of cells was just what a person looked like when it was very small. She said it had the same genetic makeup and all of the same DNA as a fully grown person and therefore had the same right to life. I watched her scratch her nose, dislodging a thousand skin cells containing her full set of DNA, which described her entire genetic makeup. The skin cells died.

The bundle of cells in a pregnant woman’s abdomen would grow into a fully developed human being, she said. That is, unless they didn’t, as was frequently the case. But, the bundle of cells had the potential to grow into a real person. The woman outside the clinic told me that life begins at conception.

If she had said before conception, I might have believed her.

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This is Normal, Right?: A Transgender Journey

2019-05-21
On: May 21, 2019
In: Autobiographical, Comedy, Nonfiction

Content warnings: Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Violent Imagery, Transmisogyny, Racism, Sexy Stuff, Masturbation, Stuff my Mom Might not Want to Read, Bad Words, Movie Spoilers, Really Long

Hello, I’m Trans

I’m trans, y’all. I’m way trans. I’m so trans, I’m like … Well, I don’t really know what the scale is, but I’m trans.

A drawing of a person standing on a scale. The scale reads, "263 kilotrans."

I didn’t always know this about myself.

It’s common for people to wonder, “When did you know?”

“How did you know?”

That’s complicated.

And, look, a warning in advance: this is going to be long. It’s going to be long, but if you stick with it, I hope you’ll think it was worth it.

A drawing of me saying, "It's not worth it. I just hope you'll THINK it is!"
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A Bone to Pick

2018-09-18
On: September 18, 2018
In: Comedy, Comics
A two-panel comic. The first panel is a drawing of a cowboy bursting through a door, pointing at a man in a red shirt and shouting, "I got a bone to pick with you." In the second panel, the two men are standing together looking at a shelf filled with bones. The man in the red shirt says, "I like the tibia." The cowboy replies, "The femur would go better with the carpet."

A World Made of Spiders: Living with Anxiety

2018-09-06
On: September 6, 2018
In: Comedy, Nonfiction

Content warnings: Racism, Spiders, Bad Words

Anxiety disorders suck. They really suck. Maybe you’re skeptical when I say that, but it’s true: They’re the pits.

Social anxiety is kind of my anxiety’s specialty. Like, if my anxiety went to college, that would have been its major. It minored in spiders.

A drawing of a shadowy figure sitting at a school desk. The figure says, "This spider degree will help me stand out in the crowded job market.
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The Astronaut and the Sheep

2018-09-03
On: September 3, 2018
In: Fiction
A drawing of a sheep floating in space while a spaceship approaches.

Once upon a time, there was an astronaut. His name was Steven. This was not unusual. A lot of people are named Steven. As a matter of fact, Steven was an especially popular name in the astronaut’s family, in particular. His father had been named Steven. His father’s father had been named Steven. According to several people, he’d even had a great-great-great aunt who had also been named Steven, although the reliability of this claim was a subject of some debate, but still … You get the idea: There were a lot of Stevens.

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  • The Sanctity of Life
  • This is Normal, Right?: A Transgender Journey
  • A Bone to Pick
  • A World Made of Spiders: Living with Anxiety
  • The Astronaut and the Sheep

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